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Deservedness\u2013the generational curse. Grandma didn\u2019t deserve fine accessories. Mom didn\u2019t deserve a new house. I don\u2019t deserve to exist. It\u2019s the snowball that gains speed and bulk on its way down the abyss. We mention it as if it\u2019s all over: \u201c I can\u2019t believe I used to think I wasn\u2019t pretty.\u201d The funny thing is, the more we pretend we believe we’re worthy, the deeper it burrows into every attempt to break free. It\u2019s the apprehension before approaching another person, or the fear of demanding exactly what it is you think you\u2019re worth. If you believe you’re worth nothing, you work for nothing and consume in shame.<\/p>\n
Shame takes many forms. Sometimes it\u2019s the inappropriate fancy footwear you wear to an outdoor event. The kind where everyone asks if your feet are cold and you insist, in great pain, that you\u2019re completely comfortable. Sometimes it\u2019s the fear of standing too close to someone for fear they can smell you wore the same blouse two days in a row. Sometimes it\u2019s quitting a job you were good at simply because you\u2019re too exhausted to be seen anymore on a daily basis.<\/p>\n
You say mean things to cover the hurt. You justify the bridges burnt and battles won. You demand only the finest because it\u2019s your birthright. No! The cycle of want and shame ends here. This time around you\u2019ll have what you deserve. Suddenly having it, you realize something doesn\u2019t feel right. Looking at it doesn\u2019t fill you with joy. You feel a splinter of agony digging in the depths of your gut and you ignore it hoping it will go away. It doesn\u2019t go away. It grows and starts to take on a pathological presence. It\u2019s there when you wake up and there when you go to sleep. It reminds you, every time a beam of light enters your heart, that you don\u2019t deserve to feel joy. You don\u2019t deserve what you have and you don\u2019t deserve to be loved. Like apprehending a beast fleeing an open cage, you step out of the way and surrender. Every move is a wrong move. The best mode of defense is curling up on the couch with a blanket waiting for the affliction to pass. Eventually it passes when some other distraction gains the upper hand\u2013but you know it\u2019s there waiting\u2013like the spider webs underneath the bed.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s advanced throughout the years. You know what it is and whence it came. You understand, accept and analyze it. You toss it around as a joke, use it as an excuse and banish it in ritual. You write about it, recognize it in others and sometimes even forget about it. You can learn to be kind to yourself and others. You can even forgive yourself and move on. You can transform it and turn it into art. All of these remedies are convincingly admirable. Yes, you can learn and grow and tell yourself you are a deserving creature; yet you\u2019re still a creature and look over your shoulder. You still feel pain while realizing the beauty of your surroundings. The void of death is haunting, but the abundance of life more haunting still.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Deservedness\u2013the generational curse. Grandma didn\u2019t deserve fine accessories. Mom didn\u2019t deserve a new house. I don\u2019t deserve to exist. It\u2019s the snowball that gains speed and bulk on its way down the abyss. We mention it as if it\u2019s all over: \u201c I can\u2019t believe I used to think I wasn\u2019t pretty.\u201d The funny thing … <\/p>\n